The Fake Life - Love movies? We do too!

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Geek Pin-Up #9: Monica Bellucci

Monica Bellucci is a sensuality singularity who sucks all the sex in the universe towards her glorious, annihilating event horizons. Teenage pretenders are snapped like twigs upon the curves of her time/space signature and all men live out the last 20 minutes of 2001 (or The Black Hole depending on their age/lameness) when they behold her. She's 40, she's married to an ugly Frenchman and she is the sexiest woman in the world. God fancies Monica Bellucci.

It's true: Mel Gibson was too busy acting out his masochism fantasies in The Passion of the Christ to realise he had Monica playing Mary Magdalene, whom both Martin Scorcese and Ron Howard had giving our lord and saviour some sweet loving and you can't argue with them, or with Jesus being just a little bit tempted.

Monica first hit English speaking eyes playing one of Dracula's lovers in Coppola's 1992 film. In it she writhed about with Keanu Reeves and, far more importantly, with the other two hot dead women. At least that's what my memory tells me.

She's also been in lots of foreign language films, some of which are probably good and some of which she probably gets her kit off in. You haven't watched them and neither have I [Editor's Note: Watch Malèna, thank me later.], so let's move on to Dobermann, a French film that gained some notoriety amongst cool geeks for its style and violence but which shall for ever be hated for introducing Monica to her husband, Vincent Cassel. Boo!

She is most notorious for being anally raped for 9 unbroken minutes in Irreversible, a brutally gruelling film which I haven't seen because I like my anal rape to be shot in soft focus and to get me aroused. The same goes for caving people's heads in with fire extinguishers.

But we'll end with her two greatest moments of geek glory. First up is Brotherhood of the Wolf, where Monica plays a prostitute (God bless you, male-dominated film industry!). The film is nominally about monsters, 18th Century French politics, secret cults and kung fu fighting Indians but is actually about a shot where the camera moves slowly up Monica's naked body only to seemlessly dissolve, just before we reach her breasts, into a shot of some mountains, causing many 200lbs geeks to seriously consider taking up hiking.

And finally we have her role as Persephone in The Matrix sequels, where she played a computer programme who displayed more sexuality and humanity in her few minutes of screen time than star Carrie Ann Moss, who decided to play Trinity as the skeleton of an eleven year old boy. Special mention to the red dress she wears in the Club Hel scene in Matrix Revolutions who's ability to make Monica's breasts perfectly round made her cleavage the best special effect in the movie.

Monica also appeared in the computer game tie-in Enter The Matrix where, if you got far enough, you got to see a cut scene where she snogs Jada Pinkett Smith. Can Monica's sex appeal make it worthwhile playing Enter The Matrix all the way through? No, no it can't.

No-one is that powerful.