Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Ask The DVD Genie - 9/7/06
More fake letters to the fake DVD Genie...
Dear DVD Genie,
I'm a 42 year-old male, and I have a painful secret. My family and closest friends don't know who I really am. The sweaty, meaty men I work next to at the sausage factory also have no idea. None of the people in my life know that I come home from work each afternoon, shower the stench of raw pork from my body, and then dress myself in one of several crepe skirts, a pretty silk blouse, thigh-high stockings and three-inch pumps. I can't believe I'm even writing this. I think the need to be who I really am inside is finally giving me the strength to say to the world, "I have been hiding my true self for far too long. It's time to put down the sausage, so to speak!" My problem, DVD Genie, is that I had sexual reassignment surgery eight years ago in order to become a man. I now realize how wrong I was, and I want to take it all back. Tragically, no hospital in the U.S. will perform a reversal procedure. Can you help me find a reliable and safe surgery center overseas that will meet my special needs?
Affectionately,
Glen Orglenda
Redwood City, CA
Dear Mr./Ms. Orglenda,
Mecca-lecca-hi, mecca-tranny-ho! Your wish has been granted! Sony BMG Entertainment has announced the November 7th release of Transformers: The Movie 20th Anniversary Special Edition. View the epic battle between Autobots and Decepticons, similar to the struggle for relevance that is currently segregating your hormone-abused mind, in this newly-remastered and color-corrected 2-disc set. Presented in both full screen and anamorphic (a word that also describes your pitiable condition) widescreen formats, this limited edition release will also feature "transforming" lenticular cover art. Extras include:* Audio commentaries
* "Autobot Matrix of Knowledge" trivia pop-ups
* Deleted scenes
* Behind the scenes footage
* Production interviews with the voice talent and crew from the 1986 animated film as well as Director Michael Bay and Producer Steven Spielberg from the 2007 live-action remake
* The original theatrical trailer
* TV spots
* Toy commercials
* A trailer for the 2007 live-action film
* A DVD-ROM interactive game.
The DVD Genie has decided to transform you into a seabass, so you can change your sex at will. Swim wisely, or rest in butter sauce.
Dear DVD Genie,
What do you know about Irritable Bowel Syndrome? The doctor says that my frequent abdominal pain and severe diarrhea are signs of IBS, but I am afraid it is something more serious. I maintain a high-fiber diet, get plenty of exercise and don't drink coffee or alcohol, but I still can't enjoy a relieving trip to the restroom without feeling like my stomach will explode. My life-long battle with hemorroids doesn't help the situation either. What am I to do, DVD Genie? Should I get a second opinion from a gastroenterologist? Seriously, I am scared to death to take a crap tonight!
Regards,
Buford "Butte" Liquid
Location Withheld
Dear Buford,
Wipe away your sorrows with the DVD Genie's magnificent attention to your disgusting ailment! Warner Home Video has set a date for the re-release of all of the Superman movies starring the late Christopher Reeve. On November 28, The Christopher Reeve Superman Collection will premiere in the form of an 8-disc set, including the Superman: The Movie 4-disc Special Edition, the Superman II 2-disc Special Edition and Superman III and Superman IV Deluxe Editions. Each of these titles will also be sold separately. Set aside your laughable gastric deficiencies to marvel at the other Superman properties to be released separately on the same day.
Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut will please many "regular" fans who have been waiting years to see their favorite sequel in the form embattled Director Donner originally intended. Donner's edit includes a new beginning and resolution, as well as 15 minutes of additional footage featuring Superman's father Jor-El, played by Marlon Brando. Rounding out the super releases will be a new edition of Supergirl. Surely you can hold your unctuous secretions long enough to appreciate all of these special features:
Superman: The Movie 4-Disc Special Edition
* Original 1978 theatrical version with soundtrack in Dolby Digital 5.1 and commentary by Producer Pierre Spengler and Executive Producer Ilya Salkind
* 2000 expanded edition movie with commentary by Director Richard Donner and Creative Consultant Tom Mankiewicz
* Theatrical trailers
* TV spot
* Music-only audio track
* Three documentaries: "Taking Flight: The Development of Superman," "Making Superman: Filming the Legend," "The Magic Behind the Cape"
* Restored scenes
* Screen tests
* Audio-only bonus: additional music cues
* Vintage TV special "The Making of Superman: The Movie"
* 1951 Movie Superman and the Mole-Men, starring George Reeves
* Nine Fleischer Studios Superman cartoons mastered from superior vault elements: Superman, The Mechanical Monsters, Billion Dollar Limited, The Arctic Giant, The Bulleteers, The Magnetic Telescope, Electric Earthquake, Volcano, Terror on the Midway.
Superman II: 2-Disc Special Edition
* Commentary by executive Producer Ilya Salkind and Producer Pierre Spengler
* Soundtrack in Dolby Digital 5.1
* Theatrical trailer
* Vintage TV specials "The Making of Superman II" and "Superman 50th Anniversary"
* New featurette "First Flight: The Fleischer Superman Series",
Eight Famous Studios Superman cartoons mastered from superior vault elements: Japoteurs, Showdown, Eleventh Hour, Destruction, Inc., The Mummy Strikes, Jungle Drums, The Underground World, Secret Agent.
Superman III: Deluxe Edition
* Commentary by executive Producer Ilya Salkind and Producer Pierre Spengler
* Vintage TV special The Making of Superman III
* Additional scenes
* Theatrical trailer.
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace
* Commentary by Screenwriter Mark Rosenthal
* Additional scenes
* Theatrical trailer.
Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut
* All new introduction by Director Richard Donner
* Commentary by Director Richard Donner and Creative Consultant Tom Mankiewicz
* New featurette "Superman II: Restoring the Vision"
* Additional scenes.
Supergirl
* Commentary by Jeannot Szwarc and Scott Bosco
* Theatrical trailer
I suspect tears of joy will deprive your roiling intestines of excess moisture and lessen your dependence on adult diapers. "Go" in peace.
Dear Genie,
How are you? My good friend Agnes told me that you gave her some helpful tips on house training her daughter-in-law's cocker spaniel, Jack, several months ago. When Agnes was at my home for tea this afternoon (or was it last month?) she reminded me to write a letter to you asking for help with my own pet problem. It's my dear little boy Henry, a nineteen-year-old Hyacinth Macaw. He's such a lovely bird. Since my husband passed on, Henry has been my only true companion. We often sit in front of the television, watching The Lawrence Welk Show. Henry has become familiar with many of the regular performers on the show, and he often makes lewd noises when the women dance, for which I must scold him.
Unfortunately, for the past several days Henry only sits like a statue on his perch and stares at the wall. I've petted him and talked to him, but nothing brings him out of this frozen state. I even put one of my necklaces around his neck, thinking that he would be attracted to the colorful jewels, but he does not even look at it. I would take Henry to a veterinarian, but I'm afraid to leave my house because of all of the stray cats that prowl menacingly around my windows. Could you please give me some advice?
Sincerely,
E. Cady Stanton
Bronx, New York
Dear E.,
Behold! The DVD Genie blesses you with abundant good fortune! Warner Home Video will release The Maltese Falcon: 3-disc Special Edition on October 3. The 1941 film noir classic directed by John Huston (a year and name you might remember if you were not currently drowning in senility) stars Humphrey Bogart as hard-boiled detective Sam Spade, the role that would make him one of Hollywood's most famous leading men. Even though you don't know the difference between a DVD and a saucer for your hideous cup of tea, this deluxe package features fully restored audio and video as well as a host of special features, including:* Commentary by Bogart biographer Eric Lax
* "Warner Night at the Movies" 1941 Short Subjects Gallery
* 2 Previous Movie Versions of the classic Hammett caper:
The Maltese Falcon (1931) with Bebe Daniels and Recardo Cortez and Satan Met a Lady (1936) with Bette Davis and Warren William
* Theatrical Trailers
* New Documentary "The Maltese Falcon: One Magnificent Bird"
* "Becoming Attractions: The Trailers of Humphrey Bogart"
* "Breakdowns of 1941" studio blooper reel
* Audio-only bonus: 3 radio show adaptations including a version starring Edward G. Robinson.
Perhaps a good movie will elicit some response from your catatonic animal, but then neither of you have much time left on this plane of existence. The cats have found a way in.
The DVD Genie must now rest...
Source: Davis DVD, DVD Active, Superman Homepage
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lol
This was great! I couldn't stop laughing!