Thursday, September 07, 2006
Hunky Teens Break Movie Blog's Cherry
TFL only has a few readers and, from what I know of you, I don't think new horror film The Covenant is for you. However, a very nice lady from their PR department sent us a small press kit about it and we've never recieved one of those before. It's all terribly exciting, I'm a little bit scared and, if you carry on reading, I'll try and give you some reasons why you might actually want to watch it. Let's hope The Covenant will talk to me in the morning.
Here's the synopsis: In 1692, in the Ipswich Colony of Massachusetts, five families with untold power formed a covenant of silence. One family, lusting for more, was banished; their bloodline disappearing without a trace--until now. This thriller tells the story of the Sons of Ipswich, four young students at the elite Spencer Academy who are bound by their sacred ancestry. As descendants of the original families who settled in Ipswich Colony in the 1600's, the boys have all been born with special powers. When the body of a dead student is discovered after a party, secrets begin to unravel which threaten to break the covenant of silence that has protected their families for hundreds of years.
Well, that sounds a bit convoluted. Another film with a slightly too complicated and overwrought backstory was Underworld, which was rubbish. That said, most of you know it was rubbish because you went to see it because it had supernatural violence and Kate Beckinsale in it.
Let's see who's hot in The Covenant:
Unfortunately the Spencer Academy seems to be an all boys school as all of the leads are male:
Intense:
He looks just like me!:
There are women in it though:
Shower!
And as for the supernatural violence? The film is rated PG-13. This is a PG-13 horror movie and PG-13 horror movies are for little girls. This is not a slight on anyone's masculinity - these films are aimed at a young female demographic. That's why the film is set in a school, why it is filled with hunky young men and why it won't have any of the gory stuff us real men like to subject ourselves to.
There is some hope for us geeks though: it is directed by Renny Harlin. Rene has been making violent action fests since the 80's, with Nightmare on Elm Street 4, Die Hard 2 and the Guaranteed-A-Place-In-Director-Heaven master-work Long Kiss Goodnight. Importantly, even his worst films are excellently made and endlessly watchable. Mindhunters, which is a truly awful film, is still very nice to look at, full of entertaining (if not actually any good) performances and lots of death.
Look at the film's PG-13 rating again - it is rated "for intense sequences of violence and action, some disturbing images, sexual content, partial nudity and language."
While we can't expect gallons of teeth filled blood, perhaps Renny has made a more xtreem (!) version of Harry Potter, full of studs fighting each other with noisy magic, which could be good for a giggle.
Here's a meeting of their slashfic society acting out the end of Matrix Revolutions and Attack of the Clones:
Here's someone intensely brandishing a CGI fork:
And here's the pretty girl in a towel again:
I can't really recommend seeing this film. This is not the fault of the film - it's simply aimed at a different demographic to us. However I would recommend keeping half an eye on the reviews. There's a chance this could be a lot of fun. It might be unintentional fun, or it could be the very cheesy kind of fun you get when you genuinely enjoy a film that you really should have grown out of by now, but fun nonetheless. If there's an unrated version released on DVD we can all watch it to see if that pretty girl ever finishes her shower.
The Covenant hits theatres tomorrow. Watch the trailer here:
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Source: Sony Pictures
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