Friday, September 01, 2006
More Tits In PG Movies
TFL's exclusive research has revealed that the collapse of morality in modern society is not down to violence in video games, free Internet porn, terrorism or American Idol. It's all down to there not being tits in PG movies anymore. As proof, here some examples of boobs back from when life was perfect and nothing bad happened (Read first installment here). Obviously, this is very muchly NSFW.
Looker: This is a barely remembered movie written and directed by Micheal 'Jurassic Park' Crichton, but it has models, death, conspiracies and thunkingly obvious jabs at how emptily addictive the television experience is. We all nodded dumbly as we looked at the boobies.
Classy:
Cock-eyed:
Airplane: In the best film-parody film ever, lampooning the air-disaster films of the 70's, a stewardess tells the passengers that there's nothing to worry about but the captain is sick and they are all going to die. Everybody then panics and, in a moment defining gratuitous nudity, a large breasted lady shakes her breasts at the camera. Comedy.
Sixteen Candles: The 80's were not sexy. Partly because of big hair, shoulder pads and terrible music but mostly because of Molly Ringwald. Her teen comedy, Sixteen Candles, is allowed to exist, however, for this scene where an extremely beautiful young woman exercises her inalienable right to shower in front of a film camera.
Movie Trivia: These breasts belong to Haviland Morris, who's other big movie role was as the career-minded, red-headed Peltzer-poacher, Marla Bloodstone in Gremlins 2. Congratulations, Haviland, not only do you have the most beautiful breasts ever, but you starred in the greatest movie ever. Yay you!
And yes this film was a PG. Here's the proof.
It's small and pixellated but you can see the PG in the bottom right hand corner.
The Beastmaster: This week's Tanya Roberts appearance comes from this mostly daffy 1982 fantasy film who's most emotional moment comes when a ferret dies.
Clash of the Titans: This 1981 fantasy movie is mostly remembered for being Ray Harryhausen's stop motion swan-song, featuring Krakens, flying horses, Harry Hamlin and an annoying clockwork owl. History will remember it as being full of tits.
Here's a young Perseus being breast fed in a scene of natural beauty that no-one would watch for vicarious thrills, would they.
Here's sexy minx Medusa getting her head chopped off by Perseus, possibly after waking up next to her.
Here's pretty-but-dull Andromeda having a bath.
Bonus Nudity Round: Her bottom.
I remember loving Clash of the Titans when I was a kid. But what I remember about it is the monsters and the fighting and the scary bits. I don't think I was traumatised or turned into a sex monster by seeing some skin (or however much got through the British censors). Wouldn't it be a better world if, in order to make kid's movies interesting to the parents forced to sit through them, instead of shoving them full of awful and immediately dating pop-culture references, they shoved them full of pretty ladies taking baths? Nothing filthy or sordid, mind, just pretty young ladies being pretty and young without their clothes on. This would make the world a better place.
And now, because you are good, here's why Return of the Jedi is better than the prequels.
Thanks to Bill Nolen (our DVD guy) for most of the pictures.
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Told you so. I remember that Clash Of The TITans stuff from when I saw it in the THEATER!
I saw it in the theatre too, Doug. I was 5 and the owl was cool.
Bubo's not cool in any millenium.
Also, what's with the tits in the second picture? Is there a medical condition "lazy nipple" or something?
Actually, I think that's a body double for Ms. Morris in SIXTEEN CANDLES.
Noooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!
Great article. I love that they weren't afraid to show a little skin back in the cheesy 80's.
-Gracie
You do know that the PG-13 rating didn't start until 1984. Thanks to a major push by Spielberg with Temple of Doom. So that is why those PG movies have skin. Many PG movies from before 1984 would be rated R today but the standards were much higher back then to label a movie R.