Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Halloween@TFL: The A-Z of Horror - C
C is for Creepy Old Men!
Imagine the scene. You've just arrived in the small town you and your partner picked as the place to get away from all the hustle and bustle of the city. As you park on main street, it's a bit eerily quiet, save for the diner across the road. As you get out, surveying the land of your new home, a rickety old man walks up to you, and the first thing that he says is "You're all gonna die!"
Welcome to the world of creepy old men.
A staple of the horror genre in the Eighties thanks in no small part to Friday the 13th, creepy old men have always been there to warn the newcomers (and thus, the audience) about the impending bloodbath that's about to happen. But while they are often just there to give a bit of fun and theatricality to the proceedings, sometimes the creepy old men are the ones you have to watch out for the most. Just ask Darth Vader.
Of course, the creepy old man is almost always just dismissed as a drunken buffoon. After all, just because the murders happened twenty years ago tonight and the killer was never caught and dogs have started to go missing from the area doesn't mean anything's going to happen, right? But while many horror flicks are content to happily go with it and have their characters ignore said creepy old man, some do their best to turn the convention on its head. And in those movies, it's usually the old men who are responsible for little Jessica getting literally scared to death. And by scared, I mean powersawed.
Here's a look at a few of the movies that gave us those creepy old men we love to, um, love:
Friday the 13th - This was the movie that everyone remembers the crazy old man from. Old Crazy Ralph was the town drunk in Camp Crystal Lake, and he had no bones about informing the nubile young Robbi Morgan that she and all her fellow campers were doomed. DOOMED. He also said he was a messenger from God, which is a good sign that someone is a crackpot, but then again, he was totally right as Crystal Lake once again became Camp Blood and we found out that chunky knitted sweaters are the mark of the devil.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - Obviously a classic in every way, TCM has a triple dose of creepy old men, some harmless drunks, some Palpatine-esque relatives who would sooner suck your blood than bake you some cookies. Getting the small fry out of the way, there's a small scene when the gang stop at the cemetary where some drunk dude i a tyre is babbling on about "things that go on here... things that you ain't supposed to talk about." Funny, he looked like my pops.
Second up is Jim Siedow, the "harmless" old coot who Marilyn Burns runs to for help, only to find out not only is he a fan of burlap sacks and broomhandles, he's also a blood relative of the guy who just chopped up her brother. But hell, Franklin deserved it, right? Siedow gives an eerie performance as "The Cook," and is enough to make me never trust anyone over 35 ever again. Last but certainly not least is Grampa Saw, a frail old man who is barely able to hold a hammer in order to smash poor Marilyn's head in, but is happy to suck the meaty juices from her finger (legend has it Gunnar Hansen actually cut the actress in that scene. A real snuff moment!)
Dracula - Gary Oldman first appears to Jonathan Harker as a very frail and very creepy old man, although he looks more like a walking corpse than an elderly person, but let's face it, most of the time they're one and the same. It's a shame the movie doesn't live up to Oldman's rad hair in that part of the film.
Wolf Creek - One of the best horror movies of recent years, the creepy old man down under actually comes across at first as a pretty nice bloke. Sure, he looks like he drinks beer out of ashtrays and has sideburns that make Wolverine jealous, but old Mick's got a heart of gold, right? Wrong. One stupid crack about Crocodile Dundee and he's ready to make heads on a stick out of the lot of them. The best thing about Mick - and the movie - is John Jarratt's absolutely fucking terrifying performance, walking the tightrope between friendly ozzie and 'Is he gonna kill them?' with incredible ease. And when he does finally turn Voorhees on them, he creates one of the most memorable screen psychos - and creepy old men - since that old guy in a bathrobe kicked the shit out of Mark Hamill with lightning.
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lol i h8 old peeps 2.