Friday, August 17, 2007
Crisis On Infinite Hollywoods
Steven Spielberg was supposed to direct Return Of The Jedi. David Cronenberg was attached to Total Recall for a while. Sergio Leone had The Godfather in his chubby hands. Hollywood history is filled with 'almosts' and 'what ifs'. So here's how we think a few films would have turned out if the dice of fate had rolled left in stead of right.
EXT. THE ORCA
Brody (Denzel Washington) is standing aft, shovelling chum. Hooper (Paul Giamatti) is driving the boat, while Quint (Brian Cox) walks around.
QUINT
Slow ahead, Hooper!
BRODY
Slow ahead I can fucking go slow ahead! I see what's happening here, I don't fuckin' believe it, but I see it. Here we have the big ol' white man giving orders, while the educated white guy gets to drive the boat. What, you think a brother can't do that shit? Instead I have to sit here shovelling fish shit just so we can catch a fish that's been killin' white folk. Fuck that. I was born in Brooklyn son, I don't have to take this shit.
Suddenly, JAWS rears his head from the water! As Brody steps back, the shark picks up a barrel from the deck of the Orca, and throws it through the boat's front window.
JAWS
Fight the power!
Babe: Pig In The City
Directed By: Brian De Palma
INT: SHOWER.
NANCY ALLEN
So the serial killer was just a bunch of birds under a trenchcoat?
SOME GUY
Birds.
NANCY ALLEN
Wow. Birds. And the visions I was having about my violent naked death turned out to be video tapes of the violent naked death of my twin sister that I didn’t know I had?
SOME GUY
Yeah. Wacky, huh?
NANCY
Yeah. Wow. Could you rub my tits now?
Harold And Maude
Directed by: Woody Allen
Ext: NEW YORK
MAUDE
So I was talking with my mother, oh my mother, have I told you about my mother? She never stops! I’m losing hair, look at my hair, it’s coming out in clumps! Oh I’m so neurotic. But look at you. Your firm, smooth thighs look great in that short skirt.
HAROLD
I love you so much.
MAUDE
And your pert, young breasts look great in that tight top I had wardrobe give you.
HAROLD
I love you so much.
MAUDE
But my mother, oy. Take my mother, please. My mother’s so fat she has her own zip code. My mother’s so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped her mother. I’m here all week, Harold. Harold? You do love me, Harold?
HAROLD
…what… sorry? Oh, right. I love you so much.
MAUDE
Are you wearing a bra?
HAROLD
What? No. I was told it would mess up the profile in two-shots. Why?
MAUDE
(loud)
OK, could we get a rain machine for the next shot?
HAROLD
Right that’s it. This is dumb. I’m out of here you fucking pervert.
Harold leaves.
MAUDE
(quiet)
Could we change that to a fog machine?
The Goonies
Directed by: Larry Clark
INT: CAVE
HOT BITCH
Let's fuck.
BOY BITCH
Yeah, let's fuck.
They fuck.
HOT BITCH
(Fucking)
Fuck!
BOY BITCH
I have asthma.
HOT BITCH
I have AIDS.
BOY BITCH
;_;
Fucking.
World Trade Center
Directed by: Oliver Stone
Oh.
As a fun extra game, guess which pictures George did and which ones were mine.
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