The Fake Life - Love movies? We do too!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Transformers: The Rejected Scripts

Hollywood's a funny old game. As soon as the latest big budget extravaganza is greenlit, legions of established screenwriters, dreaming strugglers and internet fanboys announce their intentions to write a draft, all fighting each other like dozens of over or underweight knights in Adult Swim T-shirts in order to reach the damsel in distress, the holy grail, in this case: TRANSFORMERS. Of course, we've already seen the final product as written by literary geniuses Orci and Kurtzman, but what about those scripts that didn't get past the writing stage? Read on for some exclusive extracts...

TRANSFORMERS
Screenplay by: George Lucas.

Scene: Int: Autobot base. Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Ironhide, Ratchet, Sideswipe, Blaster, Grimlock, Slag, Snarl, Sludge, Swoop, Inferno, Jazz-Funk, Jetfire, , Blurr, Bluestreak, Broadside, Cloudburst, Downshift, Grandslam, Grapple, Hoist, Hotrod, Hound, Kup, Outback, Perceptor, Ultra Magnus, Sandstorm, Scattershot, Smokescreen, Mirage, Sunstreaker and Beachcomber are standing about.

Optimus Prime: Autobots! I sense a disturbance in the energon. Transform into your stealth attack line configuration.

Autobots transform (See ILM).

Blaster: Sir, i'm picking up signals on my Auto-radar command centre with genuine spinning satellite dish that say the Decepticons are currently attacking the Antarctic secret base play-set!

Optimus Prime: Autobots! Transform into Tundra attack Snow blast colouration!

Autobots transform (See ILM)

Optimus Prime: Most satisfying. Ratchet! How many figures is that so far?

Ratchet: Over 130 distinct forms, Prime!

Silverbolt, Slingshot, Air Raid, Fireflight and Skydive turn up.

Silverbolt: Optimus! We thought we'd show up for a single scene and stand in the background!

Optimus Prime: Excellent! When you're done you can send in the Protectobots, Technobots and Astro Squad.

Blaster: Sir! On my Computer Nerve Centre Command set with genuine flashing lights I see that a far larger threat is approaching!

Optimus Prime: What is it, Blaster?

Blaster: Plot, Optimus.

Optimus Prime: Godammit!

Blaster: Oh...no...it...can't be...s...sir...they're Sideshow Collectibles!

Optimus Prime: We don't stand a chance against their superior build quality!

Blaster: oh...god...they're quarter scale!

Optimus Prime: Autobots! The time for standing around stifly expositing is over! We must go and fight a lot for half an hour! Transform into your attack battle armour forms with working rockets!

Ratchet: 165 distinct figures sir!

Optimus transforms into an Ape.

Optimus Prime: The fuck?

Ratchet: Post Beast Wars continuity, Prime - you'are an Ape now.

Optimus Prime: Fucking EU.

Autobots go and fight a lot for half and hour (See ILM).

TRANSFORMERS
A Dogme 95 project by Lars Von Trier.

A man sits naked on the dirty floor in the middle of a darkened forest. We can barely see his face due to the lack of light.

MAN
I am a transformer.

THE END.

TRANSFORMERS (SECOND DRAFT)
A Dogme 95 project by Lars Von Trier

Scene: Truck stop. There is a truck. Ugly Man and Jessica Biel are looking at the truck.

Jessica Biel: So it was just a truck we've been staring at the past two hours?

Ugly Man: Yes. It is a symbol of America's need for transcendance leading to a refusal to accept grim European reality.

Jessica Biel: Gyp.

Ugly Man: Now I am going to fuck you up the arse for ten minutes to symbolise the co-dependant relationship between grim European reality and really hot young American fantasy. Bend over.

Jessica Biel bends over. Close up of Jessica Biel's arse.

Jessica Biel: This is going to be simulated, right?

Ugly Man: This is art, baby.

TRANSFORMERS: A ROBOTIC ROMANTIC COMEDY
Written By: Nora Ephron

Ext: Busy New York City Street. Intersection lights are broken. Optimus Prime (Volkswagon Camper Van form) and Megatron (BMW form) both try to cross at teh same time and the crash. They try to reverse but find that their fenders are inextricably stuck together. The transform to find themselves joined at the hip.

Optimus Prime: Well isn't this cute.

Megatron: But I have an important business meeting on the other side of town in two hours!

Optimus Prime: And I have to help some photogenically underprivileged kids from being evicted downtown!

Megatron: Gah! My (ask husband to think of some technology stuff) can not seperate us!

Optimus Prime: We're just going to have to get through this day together...

Optimus' best friends, Jazz (in large-booted SUV form) and Bumblebee (in pink VW Beetle form) watch from side street.

Jazz: Mmm-mmm, dat ain't gon' work. Mmm-mmm.

Bumblebee: I think it's adorable!

TRANSFORMERS: FIRST DRAFT
Written, Typed and Xeroxed by MICHAEL BAY. Music by Aerosmith.

EXT. TARMAC

A vibrant orange sky overshadows the huge landing field. Armies of troops jump into their planes, all at 2 frames per second.

We cut to a huge slab of silver, glimmering in the dusk. We pull back and it's the grille of a truck. White foamy liquid spills down the grille. We pull back further. A nubile brunette dressed in a tiny strappy top and jeans that barely cover her g-string is washing the truck, caressing its American steel, its smoke stacks rising in appreciation.

Suddenly, the truck begins to shift. Glittering shards of metal move in uber-slow motion. The shadow of a gigantic robot is revealed. As OPTIMUS PRIME steps into the magic hour light, we see the stars and stripes that decorate his cab. As fighter planes glide majestically in the background, Prime suddenly takes out a gigantic cannon and fires around blindly. Cue a jittering montage of super-fast and mega-slow explosions, all to the music of Aerosmith.

The nubile brunette walks to prime and clasps onto his leg, blowing the smoke away from his now spent cannon barrel. Prime transforms, the nubile brunette leaps onto the bonnet, and they drive into the sunset, flanked by the fighter planes, all to the music of Aerosmith covering Berlin's 1986 classic "Take My Breath Away."

As THE END flashes on the screen, the audience notices that they've been in the theater for four hours.